Plenty of Time
by bevfan
Summary: Kathryn Janeway doesn't give up hope easily, but sometimes it's necessary in order to move on and build a new life. In progress, but the first chapter can be read on its own. J/C


Plenty of Time

Written for Elem for The VAMB Secret Summer exchange who wanted anything J/C with a happy ending. This first part can be read entirely on its own, but I plan for it to be much longer.

The snow was falling heavily by the time Kathryn made it to the shelter. She had taken a longer walk than usual as she tried to pull herself out of her despair, but it hadn't done any good. She trudged past the snow covered bathtub, through the garden, and stopped to stare at the shelter for a moment. Home. This was home. She clenched her jaw and entered the shelter, trying unsuccessfully to keep snow from blowing inside. Chakotay was sitting on the floor with his medicine bundle spread open before him and his hands on the akoonah.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt your meditation. I'll go back outside and-"

Chakotay was already rolling up the bundle and shaking his head.

"No, I was finished anyway. Don't worry about it, Kathryn." He picked up the bundle and disappeared into his alcove, returning quickly and heading for the replicator. "I saved some lunch for you in the replicator. Pasta soup."

Kathryn removed her boots, then took off her coat and hung it on the hook by the front door. Chakotay's coat immediately fell to the floor and Kathryn sighed as she picked it up and replaced it on its own hook. Every time she went anywhere near his coat, it fell. She knelt to clean the snow from the floor and the coat fell again just as she finished. She glared at it and hung it up again. The shelter had felt roomy enough when Voyager left them on New Earth, but the more time that passed, the more the shelter seemed to shrink.

Kathryn sat at the table and nodded her thanks to Chakotay as he set her bowl in front of her. He smiled and sat across from her, but he seemed unusually pensive and didn't attempt to make conversation. Kathryn ate her soup slowly, trying once more to shake off her despondency. Her weakness embarrassed her and she didn't want Chakotay to notice it. Why couldn't she be as peaceful and resilient as he was?

"Is something wrong with the soup?" Chakotay was frowning at her and she looked down at her bowl. She'd only managed a few bites and the remaining soup had grown cold while she was lost in her thoughts and misery.

"It was delicious. I'm just not very hungry today, but thank you anyway."

Kathryn picked up the bowl, intending to take it to the replicator. She paused to squeeze Chakotay's shoulder and was startled when Chakotay reached up and covered her hand with his. The simple touch felt so good that Kathryn didn't move away. Instead, she turned her hand so that their fingers intertwined for a moment and then she pulled away, heading briskly to the replicator. Chakotay turned in his chair to watch her, his eyes big and dark. He was such a handsome man and so striking. The picture in his Starfleet file hadn't done him justice. There was no way for a picture to capture his physical presence. She hadn't been prepared for it when he had first beamed onto her bridge from his Maquis ship. Kathryn returned to the table and sat across from Chakotay, her hand still tingling.

"Did you enjoy your walk?" he asked after a moment's awkward silence.

"Yes, thank you. What about you, did you enjoy your meditation?"

Chakotay half shrugged. "Yes, it was fine."

Kathryn knew she was to blame for the increased distance in their friendship. She and Chakotay were perfectly cordial with each other, but it was nothing like the warmth that had been developing between them. The boat ride had been _fun_ , but Kathryn had pulled back from Chakotay after it was over. It hadn't even been a conscious choice, just something she found herself doing instinctively and something she now regretted. She needed her friend back.

"Chakotay..." He looked at her with interest and she hesitated, then made the decision to forge ahead. "Do you realize that we've been on New Earth for exactly six months?"

Chakotay nodded his head. "As a matter of fact, yes. It's been on my mind all day."

"Mine too. I finally accepted it today, Chakotay. Six months is too long. Even if we were miraculously cured of the virus today, there's no way we would ever be able to catch up to Voyager."

"No, there's not. We're never going to see Voyager or our crew again."

He said it kindly, sympathetically, but with a finality that had Kathryn on the verge of tears. She took a steadying breath.

"I've known that ever since the first plasma storm when all of my research equipment was destroyed, but I still couldn't help but hope. Maybe the virus would go away on its own or maybe I could find a way to fix my equipment or maybe Tuvok would come back with a cure. Ridiculous, isn't it?"

Chakotay smiled at her. "No, not ridiculous. Your hope is one of the things I-" He paused for a second. "It's one of the things I admire about you. It's what makes you such a great leader."

"But I'm not a leader anymore, I'm a captain without a ship. I don't know who or what I am anymore and I've lost my hope. I'm not like you, I'm not resilient and I don't know how to face this the way you do."

"Are you kidding me? You're the most resilient person I've ever met. You've got to give yourself time to adjust. We've got plenty of time and there's no reason to rush yourself. You need to get through your nuanka and then I think you'll find you can face this challenge of making a new life for yourself."

"Nuanka—a period of mourning," Kathryn murmured. She remembered leaning close to Chakotay's chair on the bridge so she could listen to him explain what he thought their crew was experiencing emotionally as they adjusted to the reality of being stranded in the Delta Quadrant. It had made sense to her then, but she realized now that she had never gone through her own nuanka after destroying the Caretaker's Array. Keeping her ship in one piece had taken priority over everything else. Now there was so much more to mourn.

"You've given me something to think about, Chakotay."

"Good." Chakotay smiled, but then became serious. "Maybe I don't handle being on New Earth as well as you think I do."

Kathryn frowned in concern and reached out to touch his hand lightly. "What do you mean?"

Chakotay looked down at her hand and took it in his.

"I worry about my son. I know there's nothing I can do for him, no way to attempt to find him, but he's always on my mind. I've been trying to find some comfort through my vision quests, but I'm unsuccessful every time I try. Everything is murky and I don't feel anything, just a blankness. I don't know what it means. Maybe something happened during the birth and he's not even-" Chakotay stopped talking and shook his head, looking down at the tabletop.

Kathryn blinked, feeling stricken. She hadn't known that Chakotay regularly went on vision quests on behalf of the son Seska had conceived against his will. She hadn't realized he even thought about the child, but she saw now that it mattered very much to him. His jaw was clenched tightly. After so many months of living together, how could she not know about something so close to his heart? But she knew the answer. She had pulled away from him.

"Oh, Chakotay, I don't know what to say. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you."

"It is. Family is important to my tribe. Of course it is to most human societies, but it's particularly important to us because there are so few of us left. I have a sister and a cousin and that's all. Now a son I'll never see. He'll never know our traditions or our way of life. Instead, he's going to be raised by a _Cardassian_ and he's going to learn _their_ ways _._ That is, if he's even alive."

Kathryn didn't know what to say. She had never seen him so upset. Even when Seska had taunted him with news of the pregnancy, Chakotay had remained stoic and she hadn't realized the depth of emotion he hid. She wanted to comfort Chakotay more than anything. He had always taken her burdens upon himself, but that aspect of their relationship needed to change. She was no longer his captain and they were equals now. She needed to support him just as he supported her. Kathryn pulled her hand away from Chakotay and went to his side. She reached out and Chakotay immediately rose from his chair to pull her into his embrace. She rubbed his back comfortingly and Chakotay sighed, his face buried in her hair. She hadn't realized how much she missed physical touch until this moment and she supposed it was the same for Chakotay because he wasn't letting her go.

There had been a few turning points in Kathryn's life when everything had suddenly shifted and nothing had ever been the same: her capture by the Cardassians as a green ensign, the shuttle craft accident that killed her father and her beloved fiance, the moment she ordered Tuvok to destroy the Caretaker's Array. And now, this moment in Chakotay's arms.

 _This will be the last man I ever kiss, the last man who will ever make love to me, the last man who will ever love me—the last man I will ever love._

Kathryn pulled herself from his embrace, shocked by her sudden realization. Chakotay looked at her uncertainly and then he smiled, the dimple in his cheek appearing.

"I'm glad we opened up to each other like this. I feel a lot better now. What about you?"

Kathryn nodded slowly. "Yes, but I think I need to be alone now, try to make sense of things for myself."

"All right. Let me know if you need anything."

Kathryn felt Chakotay's eyes on her as she retreated into her alcove. She was overrun with emotions, uncertain about what to do with Chakotay and still desperately missing her family and her crew, but despite it all, Kathryn felt a little lighter. Chakotay was with her and together they were going to thrive on New Earth, not just survive.


End file.
